Dear Body: Get Your Life Together,

💧 Dear Stupid Bladder

We need to have a serious talk.

It’s been almost eleven years since the last kid evacuated the premises.
The trauma is noted. The sacrifices are appreciated.

BUT WHY ARE WE STILL ACTING LIKE THE DAM BREAKS EVERY TIME I SNEEZE, MOVE, OR EVEN THINK ABOUT LAUGHING TOO HARD??

I would like, just once, to:

• bend down,

• tie my shoe,

• reach for a grocery bag...

...without wondering if I’m about to get publicly humiliated by my own anatomy.

And then the fun bonus level:

You’re out running errands.
Your bladder betrays you like a cheap turncoat.
Now you’re shuffling into Walmart in the soggy Walk of Shame,
searching desperately for dry shorts before anyone notices.

And you think:
“Hey, no problem. I’ll just grab some emergency underwear while I’m here.”

BUT THEN
Walmart has the AUDACITY to charge $13
for one pair of sad, flimsy, emotionally fragile panties
that don’t even cover my full Sir-Mix-A-Lot-approved ass.

I’m sorry, what??

For $13, I want:

• Reinforced Kevlar panties

• Moisture-wicking technology

• Panty armor

• A force field around my dignity

Because listen
I may be old...
but I am not old enough to go back to wearing diapers.
I am still young enough to have dignity.

So what do you do?

You grab the cheapy No Boundaries booty shorts instead
because at least they’ve got enough fabric to function as emergency underwear and a dignity patch.

Welcome to Letters & Landscapes.
Where the bladders are traitors, the underwear is overpriced,
and survival stories are stitched together with sarcasm and cheap shorts.